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Job Hunt Gone Bad
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 As I am no stranger to the economy crunch, I decided to get a second job so that I could buy the certain luxuries my family has not grown up with (i.e. food, dental care and name brand shampoo).      Being as I’m not in my prime earning years anymore, I figured it might be tough to just get out there and snag up a job like my younger counterparts. I decided to try the fast food joints first. They’re always willing to give a new person a break, whether you’re smart or a high school dropout or just plain high! Heck. You don’t even have to speak English most of the time. Just smile, nod a lot and toss in a bag of fries, which is pretty much a given on any order.

Unfortunately, I did not last three days. I got tired of the younger kids making me dodge the cars in the drive thru as I picked up the loose change, or pinning a sign on my back that said ‘kick me, I’m old’, or telling me that Johnny Depp was out back and locking me out of the building when I went to see.

Finally I thought, Hmm, I’m smarter than this! I can do something else.

I went to see my friend who owns a strip bar. Of course! I thought – I can dance at his club. Well after much begging and about six shots of bourbon, I finally conned my friend into letting me try and dance.

In the beginning I was a little intimidated by the beautiful girls that danced (some topless) and such beautiful costumes too – what little there was of them! I started to climb on the pole and my friend told me I had to go to the ‘over forty’ table in the back. It was really dark back there and instead of a pole, I had to use a walker that one of the patrons had left. I guess it wasn’t too bad, even though the song they had me dance to was “Don’t Show Me That.”

I guess the final straw came when some guy went and complained that my left tassel kept sagging into his drink.

Last, I thought I would try the phone sex thing, but it kind of lost its charm when you could hear my granddaughter in the background crying for more juice. Oh well, I tried. Maybe I’ll hit the lottery tomorrow. I bought one scratch ticket the other day and won a buck. I just need to do that a million more times now.


from the book "Your Face Will Freeze Like That " and other stuff mom told us available here 



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