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I'm No Movie Star
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Since menopause has pretty much eaten up what’s left of my eyelashes, I thought I’d try the fluttery false-but-sexy look that the movie stars wear. I figure if they can wake up and glue those suckers on every morning, why so can I.  I opened the box, smoothed out the directions and began…

Pierce tube of adhesive with a sharp object”. I didn’t have anything handy, so I took it in my teeth and twisted. The lid came off, but so did a tiny bit of glue – right onto my teeth. Great! Now my teeth were so stuck together I couldn’t even yell for help. I stayed calm, trying patiently to wait for the glue to dissipate.

 Next, I took one of the eyelashes and held it between my fingers. I began to slide the glue carefully across the top but it started coming out too fast. “Dggntt!” I muttered. I tried to say “dog gonnit” but my teeth wouldn’t allow me to form vowels.  I went to adhere it to my eye but my fingers were stuck on it. I had to take something – anything to pry them apart. I reached for my toothbrush. Cramming the bristles in between my fingers, they finally gave way. I put the eyelash up to my eye but there was a tiny drop of glue on the lash itself. “Ugghgdnggt!” I muttered louder. I grabbed my tiny, feeble eyelashes and pinched the lashes to my own. …”sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty” I counted to myself. I let go – I TRIED to let go but my fingers were glued to the eyelashes now hanging from my eye! “Hthsisrdcklss” (oh this is ridiculous!) I hissed.

I’m sure the starlets don’t have this much trouble. I couldn’t wait for somebody to come home to pry my fingers loose from this mess. I had to do it myself. I held my breath, gritted my teeth, even more than they were – and yanked. Off came the glue and the false eyelash; along with what was left of my own. I was able to get the lid off of the nail polish remover and somehow ‘dissolve’ the whole mess. I’m so glad that’s finally over - except now my nail polish is a total mess. Hmm…I wonder how the stars apply their false nails?


 From the book "Your Face Will Freeze Like That" and other stuff mom told us.  

Visit Mari's page for this and other columns.



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