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the unloved
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For being my very first blog, this is not quite an uplifting one. Love is all that I seek for. I am pretty sure love is something everyone searches high and low for.Unfortunately, I am a very naive twenty - one year old who is in love with a complete charming, arrogant, self - centered man, or should I say little boy; since, he acts like a little boy most of the time. We have been on and off for the past two years. Of course, in the beginning of our relationship was amazing. We were insuperable. Basically, the beginning of our relationship was like the amazing honeymoon phase that all newlyweds experience. However, the honeymoon phased swiftly changed after I stupidly checked his Samsung Galaxy s4 cell phone on Halloween in 2012. As I am scrolling through his text messages, I can feel my heart dropping from the left side of my chest down to the pit of my stomach. Every time my trembling right thumb moved the scroll bar down, I felt my upright posture slowly slouching down with my head hanging in complete betrayal. When I comfronted him about my knowledge of him talking to other females, he had the nerve to make it out to seem as if it were my fault that he was conversing with other women.While crying (on my part), a thousand apologies from him, and some "make up sex", everything went back to normal. Ever since then I have been living in hardship and misery. Infidelity has been our biggest problem. That mainly means I have trust issues, and yeah, maybe I am refering to the Drake song.  I feel like I have become this crazed, jealous woman you would see on the Jerry Springer Show titled, Did you sleep with my man, cause if so ILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH! I always feel on edge. I always assume he is cheating, or he is going to cheat. Everytime I convince myself that I will finally leave him, he does something miraculous that makes me fall head over hills for him once again. Now, that leaves me feeling bad , because I lost that fight within myself to get rid of this good-for-nothing guy I so willingly love. When we are together it's amazing. However, when he leaves that's when all the horrible memories play in my head. When it all comes down to it, I know I can only blame myself for sticking around. I know I will keep getting hurt if I stay. I know all of this, so why do I still want to keep putting myself through hell??? Why is it that I cannot say NO to him? Can anyone out there who has been in my shoes tell me why this is so? .... anyone??

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