There's a certain topic that I have always wanted to write about but I found it even hard to talk about for the longest time. It wasn't until recently that I was able to actually talk about this topic with someone because it affected my life in more ways than one. So what's the topic? Can you guess? *drum roll please* Bullying, Depression, and Suicide.
Bullying started at a very young age for me but usually bullying tends to start around this time, elementary years. As I progressed through my elementary years, we moved to a different town, which meant a different school. The first couple of years at this school was amazing. I really liked it. Then the aspect of boys came a long, and you can only imagine if two girls like the same guy and wanted to have the same best friend, what kind of drama that would start. If only you could imagine the irony in that.
This girl did not like me so much that she actually managed to turn almost the whole class against me. They would throw balls at me at recess and would say mean things to my face and behind my back. At this age, the one thing that you worry about is being accepted. Knowing I had to go to school everyday and face these kids, I begged my mom to not make me go. Ironically, my sisters were going through some similar things, so my parents took it in their hands and decided to have us transfer schools in hopes of making a better school experience for all of us.
We transferred schools and it started off amazing. I won't go into much detail but after a couple of years that all changed. Let's just face it, girls are mean. I can't really go into much detail because most of high school I really don't remember, which is something that commonly happens when someone goes through situations that alter them. Mostly what I remember is some of my close friends, that I thought would be my friends for the rest of my life turned on me. One of my best friends out of the blue sent me messages threatening me saying she was going to kick the crap out of me and told me that I should go kill myself because nobody cares about me. Someone stuffed a print out of a conversation in my locker that one of my friends had with another girl saying that she wishes I was dead or if I looked at her one more time she was going to kill me. So naturally, any human that gets threats of someone saying they were going to kill you, you turn it into the police. Silly me, that was so wrong of me apparently, this only made the bullying worse.
The thing about bullying, it doesn't just involve kids. Parents, teachers, and administration also get involved. But the thing is, when that child's parents are close to the people in charge, the kid that doesn't have close relations with the people in charge, automatically get ruled out. I had no where to go. I'd go to the higher power and ask for help but it was just something they shook off, like I didn't matter. It got to the point where the parents of these people bullying me would say nasty things to me as well. On the court of sporting events, they would yell things that did not need to be said. Whispering became a very familiar thing wherever I went, and the only question I would ask myself and my parents is, "Why?" My sisters went through the same thing I did, threats, where people would mess with our house, leave mean notes in our yard, text messages, prank phone calls, everything. But why?
That is the most frequently ask question, "Why?" Why do people get pleasure out of bringing someone else down? Why do people think it is okay to strip someone of their freedom of enjoying their life? Why do certain people think they have the right to tell someone whether their life is important or not? They don't.
As I have covered the topic on bullying and what I went through, we will move on to depression and suicide. Something I was able to hide from the world, but not from my family was the depression that I dealt with everyday. Most people would be very surprised at the fact that I was actually depressed, and normally with depression comes suicidal thoughts. The things those people said to me, I started to believe. The looks that they gave me when I walked by them or in the room, I started looking at myself like that when I looked into the mirror. Everything that they said and did, I started to think that I was what they said I was, that somehow I deserved what they said and did.
The thoughts of thinking everyone would be better off without me started pouring in. I started reading books that dealt with suicide and thought about it more than I should of. My parents were petrified at the fact of how depressed I was, they were even scared of me being out of their sight. I was an involved student ever since I was little. I never liked having the feeling of not trying something or being involved. I stayed involved with the activities that I was always involved in, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to accomplish things and make my parents smile and be proud of me rather than to be scared and cry for me. However, that didn't last long either. I finally quit some activities that I really enjoyed because I no longer felt welcome. I no longer wanted to be around those people anymore, but could you blame me?
Senior year I barely graduated. Not because of my grades, I had great grades, but because I never wanted to be at school. I missed school a lot. I told my parents everyday how much I did not want to go. They knew what was going on and understood exactly why I didn't want to go. I didn't just go through the bullying, my parents had to go through the bullying as well. They watched their daughter that use to be so happy, crumble into a million pieces, wondering if the pieces would ever be put back together. there was nothing that they could do for me except love me and honestly I was even scared for myself because I didn't understand. I eventually graduated which was one of the best moments of my life. My parents cried, but not for the typical reason for crying, they knew that this was one step closer to getting their daughter back to be free from all the negativity. And honestly, I knew that too. I made it, I made it through some of the darkest days of my life, that I honestly didn't think I was going to.
I came to college, had a different mind set, found some amazing friends, and although there has been difficult times along the way such as losing family members and people close to me, I know that I have the strength to get through anything that comes my way. Through difficult times, there's only a couple of things that remain the same and that's family and God. I know I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my family and if it wasn't for my faith.
Some people take negative experiences and become a bitter person. I took my negative experience and made it help me be a better person. I got through some of the darkest days of my life and never thought that i would see the light again. Luckily, I had a great support system and God answered my prayers. I went from the girl who didn't see the light in anything to now seeing the light in everything. I see the light in kind smiles of strangers that pass by, I see the light in my mom and dad's eyes when they see how happy I am, I see the light in my niece's eyes when I walk into the room, I appreciate everything that someone does for me. Whether it be a simple, "hello." or taking time out of their day to spend time with me. I love everything more than I could ever imagine and I'd do anything that I can for people that ask for help.
If you are struggling, if you have any thoughts that you don't belong. Push them aside. I promise you that anything you are going through right now, there is hope. Find something you love and hold on to it. Push on to something better and never give up. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. The battles you go through today are for a reason and God will give you everything you need to get through it. If you ever question if anyone loves you or cares, God does and so do I. I hope by going out of my comfort zone, I helped at least one person who read this. Life is beautiful, you have to get through the crappy stuff, to appreciate the good stuff.
